A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she’s trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, “I’ve got just the thing for you madam. I’ll just get him.”

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. “This dog is a special dog,” he tells her. “It is able to fly,” he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

“There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say ‘my’, he’ll eat whatever you’ve mentioned. Watch. “My apple!” The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

“He’s cute, and so unusual. I’ll take him,” she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

“Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!” she exclaims when she gets back home. “He can fly!”

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, “Fly aye? Ha! My foot!”

This guy sees a sign in front of a house, “Talking Dog for Sale.”  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.  The guy goes into the back yard and sees Spot sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” Spot replies.

“So, what’s your story?” the man asks.

Spot looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “Because he’s such a liar.

An eight year old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked our a  large box of laundry detergent. 

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

Oh, not laundry, I’m going to wash my dog! said the boy.

But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it could even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for
it. The grocer continued to try to convince the boy but it was no use. The young boy’s mind was made up.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said sadly.

I’m so sorry son, I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your dog.

Well, the boy replied, It wasn’t the detergent that killed him.

The grocer was a bit relieved. Oh? What was it then? he asked.

Mom said it was probably the spin cycle.

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?” “My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?” To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

Two men are walking their dogs, a Poodle and a German Shepherd, when they decide that they would  like to go into a bar for a drink. “But we can’t take our dogs into that bar,” says the Poodle’s owner.

“Hey, no problem,” says the German Shepherd’s owner. “Just watch this.” ….He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.

“Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the German Shepherd’s owner….. The bartender apologizes and guides them to a chair.

So, the Poodle’s owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. “Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the Poodle’s owner.

The bartender objects, “Hey, Poodles can’t be seeing eye dogs!” The Poodle owner gasps, “Poodle? They told me they were giving me a german shepherd!”

• “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” – Will Rogers
• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
• “Whoever said you can’t buy happiness, forgot about puppies.” – Gene Hill
• “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”  – Groucho marx

Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: A Bloodhound

Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog is Better Than a Woman:

1. A dog does not shop.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine’s Day.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you tuch another dog.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
7. A dog never expects you to call them on the phone.
8. A dog limits it’s time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
9. A dog loves it when you leave your clothes on the floor.
10. A dog’s parents will never visit you.

The top 10 reasons why it is great to be a dog are:

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.